Gay men often face the dilemma of being the other man in relationships. This is more than just cheating on a partner, although it can be that as well. The kind of other man that can really turn into a painful situation is that of being in love with a gay man that’s still fully in the closet and married to a woman.
As incredible as it may be, this is something that still happens much more than it should. Typically, it begins with meeting the man of your dreams in a gay environment, such as a bar, and spending the evening dancing, drinking and talking together. By the end of the evening, he asks for your phone number and you hand it over.
If you ask for his, he’ll probably make up some excuse for not giving it to you. It may sound totally plausible, so it will allay any doubts that you may have initially. This is the first signal that you should NOT ignore. He doesn’t want you calling him in case his wife answers or tends to check his cell phone often.
The next thing that may happen is that when he does call you, it’s not to make a date in the future. He wants you to meet him somewhere right then. The location is probably going to be well out of your local area. He may give you some story about how amazing this restaurant is or something that makes sense to you. Dinner goes pretty well even though it may seem that he keeps glancing around frequently as if he’s watching for someone. This is a sign that he’s nervous that someone will see him with you.
Following dinner, he may be in a hurry to exit the restaurant, but at the same time, he’s a bit amorous. You start to think that he’ll want to go home with you or may even invite you to his place. That doesn’t happen, though. Instead, he suggests a nearby hotel, or worse, he tries to take you parking. This should be setting off all sorts of alarm bells for you.
Hopefully, you’ll question these things before you fall too deeply in love with him. If not, it will only be a matter of time before you find out his true situation in life. When you’re involved romantically with a married man, there are some hard decisions ahead of you unless you can help him become brave enough to open that closet door and step bravely into the light.
If he’s too afraid to give up all the things in his public life, it’s going to be a difficult road for you. He probably DOES love you as much as he says he does, but he lacks the courage to be himself. Unless he has children with his wife, there may be a chance that you can help him to come out. If he does have children, you’ll probably be asked to wait until they graduate from college because he can’t possibly leave until then. Can you deal with being mostly alone until then? It’s a hard choice only you can make.